Co-Dependency | CelebrateRecoveryCT

Recovery from

Codependency

The Problem & Solution

How we can distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:

I have little or no value.

Other persons and situations have all the value.

I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.

I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.

I must give myself away.

If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.

Does the individual give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react. Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being the charge of their own life.

CODEPENDENCY

“In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self=personal identity is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems.

Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, dreawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things – money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves.” “Love is a Choice”, pgs 11 & 12.

COMPLIANCE PATTERNS

I assume responsibility for others feelings and behaviors
I feel guilty about others feelings and behaviors.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I have difficulty expressing feelings.
I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am afraid to express differing opinions for feeling.
I value others opninions and feelings more than my own.
I put other people’s needs and desires before mine.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough”
I am perfectionistic.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I do not perceive myself as a loveable and worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or other’s anger.

THE TEN TRAITS OF A CODEPENDENT

The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
The codependent’s self-esteem (and frequently, maturity) is very low.
A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
The codependent’s relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change and may well try to change them.
A codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.
A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life. Pg 28

ENABLING

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.

PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior
KEEPTING SECRETS about behavior from others in order keep peace.
MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. ) School, friends, legal authorities, work, family members.)
BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs.)
BLAMING OTHERS FOR DEPENDENT PERSONS BEHAVIOR. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, self.)
SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home.)
AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace. (Out-of-sight, out -of-mind.)
GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.
ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.)
MAKING THREATS that have no follow through or consistency.
TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be expected to for themselves.)